| It is common for people experiencing divorce to | | | | are a normal and healthy part of what couples |
| become overwhelmed by negative emotions. If they | | | | experience when going through a divorce. Don’t try |
| allow these feelings to dominate their existence, it is | | | | to pretend that these feelings don’t exist. Instead, |
| easy to fall into one of three roles, that of Victim, | | | | understand and accept these feelings for what they |
| Revenge-Seeker, or Controller. These roles are by no | | | | are. Many people seek counseling to help themselves |
| means mutually exclusive, and elements of all of these | | | | work through the difficulties that divorce presents |
| roles can be present in an individual. Here are three | | | | (advisable in many instances). Couples can |
| unproductive roles and three quotes that serve as an | | | | productively utilize the energy created from these |
| antidote to their thinking. | | | | strong feelings if channeled properly. |
| Three Unproductive Roles | | | | While acknowledging and trying to learn from the past, |
| The Victim sees him/herself as being taken advantage | | | | it is important to focus on the future. It is no longer |
| of and assuming that the same will happen to them in | | | | about what went wrong with the marriage, but rather |
| the future. They view their world as being out of | | | | how everyone involved can begin the process of |
| control and they lack the ability to impact their situation | | | | creating a strong and healthy future. |
| now or in the future. Pity becomes a way of life. They | | | | The most critical component of maintaining, gaining, or |
| abdicate responsibility for their future to other people | | | | restoring a positive sense of oneself is to have a |
| or to the forces of nature. | | | | foundation of integrity. This means having a strong and |
| “No one can make you feel inferior without your | | | | abiding sense of self-respect based on acting in an |
| consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt | | | | ethical manner in every aspect of life. |
| The Revenge-Seeker views the divorce process as | | | | 5 Questions to Ask During The Divorce Process |
| an opportunity to win or get even. “I was wronged | | | | In the divorce process, there are a number of |
| and now it is time to right the wrong”. Payback | | | | questions you can ask yourself as a check on |
| becomes a primary motivator. Reason flies out the | | | | whether you are acting with a sense of integrity: |
| window and is replaced by the urge to take the other | | | | Am I being fair? |
| person to the cleaners. | | | | Am I conveying the expectation that I should be |
| “There is no revenge so complete as | | | | treated fairly? |
| forgiveness.” Josh Billings | | | | Did I balance my needs with the needs of others? |
| The Controller sees the divorce as a loss of control of | | | | Did I maintain the “high road” despite how |
| much of their existence. Therefore, they have the | | | | anyone else has acted? |
| need to take extreme measures to exert control | | | | Several years from now, will I be able to look back on |
| wherever possible. This can take the form of one | | | | how I acted and be proud of myself? |
| spouse accusing the other of being a bad parent and | | | | In summary, the best way to survive divorce is to use |
| attempting to limit access to the children when in fact | | | | the process itself to establish the building blocks for a |
| they know the other person has been a good parent. | | | | brighter future for everyone involved. |
| They often convince themselves that they are acting | | | | This is one of the reasons why we believe so strongly |
| nobly. | | | | in mediated divorce, versus one that resorts to going |
| “The best day of your life is the one on which you | | | | to court. This creates the environment where both |
| decide your life is your own. The gift is yours alone | | | | parties can move readily into the positive attitudes |
| – it is an amazing journey and you alone are | | | | described above. Mediated divorce allows both parties |
| responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life | | | | to retain a sense of control, focus their emotions |
| really begins.” Bob Moawad | | | | elsewhere, and allow them to concentrate on the |
| It is important to understand that negative emotions | | | | matter at hand - an equitable breakup and separation. |