| When we state something as a fact that is really just | | | | to improve it rather than see the problem as a |
| our subjective viewpoint it can have the following | | | | permanent 'fact' about the company, inextricably linked |
| impacts upon ourselves and others: | | | | to other 'facts' about the people within it. |
| 1. It can alienate people from us because their | | | | Also, in using the 'I'-statement, I am not alienating others, |
| experience may not be the same as ours. Of course, | | | | nor am I introducing an interpersonal conflict to the |
| people will always have different opinions about things, | | | | already difficult situation. I am accepting ownership of |
| but when someone states theirs as if it is a fact, this | | | | my experience and acknowledging that it may not be |
| can lead others to see them as rigid in their view of | | | | one that is shared by others. |
| the world or not someone they want to engage with. | | | | This connects quite strongly with the next aspect of |
| For example: If I say: | | | | using I statements..... |
| Working in this place is impossible, no-one pulls their | | | | 2. When we state something about a situation as a |
| finger out and the company is going down the pan. | | | | fact rather than acknowledge it as our own |
| ...others may not have such a dim view of the | | | | experience, it implies we are powerless to have any |
| company and may feel quite offended that I should | | | | influence over our responses to the situation. This is a |
| make such a statement. They may feel it necessary | | | | common way in which conflicts become entrenched |
| to defend the company, or themselves, or even to | | | | and, seemingly, irresolvable. Again, the situation reduces |
| 'attack back' and make some statements about me | | | | to a win/lose dynamic where if one person's fact is |
| that they also see as being factual! | | | | right then the other's must be wrong. |
| Such a situation will often lead to a disconnection and | | | | 'You can't talk to them.' |
| distancing between all involved as it generates a win | | | | 'Those kinds of people will never change.' |
| lose dynamic regarding the respective views they hold. | | | | 'Work is never going to make you happy.' |
| Someone must be 'right' if the views are portrayed as | | | | 'The Council doesn't care.' |
| facts! And so, someone must be wrong - and it ain't | | | | 'My boss is a bully' |
| gonna be me! | | | | Alternatives to the above using 'I' statements could be |
| If, instead I were to use 'I' statements, I could say it this | | | | (and again you may have others): |
| way: | | | | 'I find it difficult to talk to them' |
| I find it really difficult working here, I think that some | | | | 'I seem to get the same reaction from them whenever |
| things don't get done that need to be done and I'm | | | | we meet up.' |
| worried about the future of the organisation. | | | | 'I haven't found my work to be something I enjoy' |
| I'm not suggesting this as a 'script' as I think it often | | | | 'I have often felt that the Council hasn't understood the |
| sounds very false to use suggested wordings from | | | | difficulties I am having.' |
| others. My aim is just to present an alternative using 'I' | | | | 'I feel intimidated in the presence of my boss.' |
| statements. You may be able to create a different | | | | All of these allow for a review of our own responses |
| one and quite possibly a better one. By looking at a | | | | to the situation that exists. If I feel intimidated when my |
| statement made in this way we can look at the | | | | boss is around, what is it that he does that I respond to |
| consequences for future communication and for | | | | in that way? Why do I respond in that way? How |
| resolving conflict. | | | | could I respond in a way that would feel less |
| Using an 'I' statement acknowledges that the viewpoint | | | | diminishing of myself? |
| is our own and not necessarily a fact about the | | | | Similar explorations of all of the 'I' statements can |
| situation. | | | | follow on from them. All of them allow a |
| My 'difficulty working here' could be down to my own | | | | self-exploration of our own experience and the |
| present shortcomings and so to identify the difficulty | | | | possibility of creating new responses to the situations. |
| can lead to identification of a corresponding training | | | | The point is that using 'I' statements allows for the |
| need I have, or a present lack of experience that only | | | | possibility of exploration, creativity and change in |
| time will allow me to gain. Or it may lead to | | | | response to the situation. |
| identification of circumstances that affect my ability to | | | | When the situations are described as 'facts' this implies |
| work that can be influenced and improved by others. | | | | they are fixed and unchangeable. |
| The point is we can review the situation in order to try | | | | Nothing is fixed and unchangeable. |