| This is a difficult question because most parents never | | | | I'm telling you, it is not easy to be a parent. My children |
| consider the possibility that they might not know what's | | | | knew when I was out of line. If parents would just pay |
| best for their child. After all, we were told as children to | | | | attention, they would know when to step in and "guide" |
| do whatever our parents said. The age old | | | | their children. A child needs to make mistakes in order |
| commandment "Honor thy father and mother" was | | | | to learn. I'm not talking about letting your two-year-old |
| pounded into our brains by religious doctrine, so the | | | | do something that could harm them. But if mom is so |
| fear of God was instilled in most of us to "do what | | | | paranoid that junior is going to run out in the street and |
| your mother says", or "wait till your father gets home". | | | | get hit by a truck, that's what the child will feel; fear of |
| The point I'm trying to make is, all of us were raised by | | | | the street. It seems to me that teaching children to pay |
| parents who didn't have perfect parenting skills. When | | | | attention to their surroundings is a better way to help |
| we became parents, most of us repeated the | | | | them stay safe. |
| mistakes our parents made. As I look back on my | | | | Recently a parent came to me in tearful distress |
| own journey, I have to laugh at my quest to raise my | | | | because of her 19-year-old son. She was blaming |
| children differently. When I was pregnant with my first | | | | herself for something her son did. With great |
| child I went to a parenting class to learn how to be an | | | | conviction, I had to assure her "it's not your fault". She |
| effective parent. (I thought I learned everything I | | | | had done everything she could to help her son, but he |
| needed to know.) Well, after my son was born, all that | | | | had made choices that got him into a bad situation. |
| book learning went right out the window as my actions | | | | Mom didn't make the choice; her son did. Sometimes |
| began to mimic the same behavior as my parents. I | | | | this is very hard for parents to accept. I dislike the term |
| had no practical experience at being a parent. | | | | "Tough Love", but there are times when you have to |
| Repeating the parenting that didn't work in my | | | | say "I love you unconditionally, but you are responsible |
| childhood was all I knew, and it didn't work for my own | | | | for your own choices". Allowing your children to be |
| children either. Of course I didn't know it was | | | | accountable for their own mistakes can begin at a |
| detrimental until I learned more about my behavior and | | | | very early age. Then the child experiences the life |
| how I was affecting others. | | | | lesson for themselves, which is so much more |
| So, at what point does parenting cross over into | | | | beneficial than mere words. |
| hurting a child's growth? In my view, it's when the child | | | | The key to parenting is "non-dependent" love; that is, |
| is not allowed to do for themselves that which they | | | | being able to know that your child is not here on the |
| are capable of doing on their own. And who makes | | | | planet to make you happy or fulfill your needs. If my |
| that decision? Parents usually believe they have the | | | | daughter reads this she may wonder why I couldn't |
| experience to decide what is best for their child. After | | | | have been this way when she was growing up. Well, I |
| all, they think, isn't that what parents are for? To tell | | | | wish I had been, but I wasn't. Fortunately, her parenting |
| their children what to do? Ah, but, did you like being told | | | | skills are much better than mine were when she was |
| what to do when you were growing up? I sure didn't, | | | | a youngster. Now, she's responsible for using the tools |
| and my kids hated it also. I tried to disguise my | | | | she has to be an effective parent. |
| controlling behavior as "guidance", but they just looked | | | | Listen more and talk less. |
| at me with that blank stare as if to say, "Sure, Mom". | | | | |