| I failed recently as a coach. My assignment was to | | | | relationships are eroded by strong |
| coach a group of public speakers | | | | forces in our society.The Constant Waves That |
| on storytelling.I always try to coach by discovering the | | | | Batter UsThink of the endless commercial messages |
| goals of the teller, then helping the teller | | | | in our society. We can watch television, |
| achieve them. With seven of the speakers in that | | | | go out on the street and see billboards, and open |
| group, I succeeded, sometimes | | | | magazines and read ads. We are |
| spectacularly. With the eighth, who I'll call "Nathaniel," I | | | | constantly bombarded by enticements to consume. |
| did not.What happened between me and Nathaniel? I | | | | To buy. To own."Consume. Buy. Own." Those aren't |
| began, as usual, by listening to his | | | | the words that bring relationships. Those aren't |
| story, then offering him appreciations.I went on to ask | | | | the words that bring us close to people. Those words |
| him what help he wanted. He said, "I feel confident with | | | | turn us into property owners |
| the rest of | | | | rather than friends.The great tragedy of a consumer |
| my speech, but not with the story part. Tell me what I | | | | society is that we end up feeling more and more |
| can do to make my stories | | | | alone.("Alone" and "lack of connection," by the way, |
| have a bigger impact on my audience."For the next | | | | are different from solitude. Solitude is |
| twenty minutes, Nathaniel and I struggled. I noticed his | | | | a good thing that we all need in some measure. |
| overly slick | | | | Connection is a good thing we all |
| delivery, and tried some of my tried-and-true methods | | | | need in some measure. Isolation is not something |
| for helping him speak more | | | | necessary.)Relationships Are UsWe tell at our best |
| authentically. I asked him to describe what it felt like to | | | | when we don't try to have "impact" but rather try to |
| deliver the parts of his | | | | love our |
| speeches he felt confident with. I explained some | | | | listeners. We can love them by being playful or by |
| storytelling theory, gave him | | | | being earnest, by being powerful |
| exercises to try out on the spot, and offered him | | | | or humble, with humor or pathos. We can offer |
| images to help align him toward | | | | ourselves eagerly or coyly.But whatever we do, we |
| his listeners.In the end, I had the feeling of someone | | | | must not hide. We must fight the temptation to |
| who has just spent a day trying to tempt a | | | | withdraw |
| turtle out of its shell. Every glimmer of progress | | | | into an "objective" stance toward our listeners.I was |
| resulted in retreat. I felt frustrated, | | | | just at the National Storytelling Festival, where many |
| and he just looked perplexed: what was I trying to get | | | | attendees were excited |
| him to do? He just wanted | | | | by Kathryn Windham's telling. What did they love? Her |
| more impact in his telling!After more than two | | | | stories, of course. The way |
| decades of coaching, I rarely fail so completely. That | | | | she talks. But what they really loved was just HER. |
| night, as I | | | | Her offer of her genuine self. The |
| lay in bed, I pondered where I had gone wrong.The | | | | stance she took toward us of independent, gentle, |
| next morning, I woke up with the answer: Nathaniel | | | | strong, tolerant wisdom.To be communicated with |
| kept saying that he wanted | | | | from that place is a great treat. It's a moment of |
| "impact" on his audience. What he was studiously | | | | healing |
| avoiding was a relationship with | | | | amidst the fractured, antagonistic, competitive, |
| his listeners. And the storytelling portions of his speech | | | | materialistic transactions that pass |
| were the most difficult to | | | | for ordinary and normal in our society.Offering |
| do without entering into a relationship!In other words, | | | | OurselvesHoward Gardner says that great leaders |
| Nathaniel had bought into one of the great, destructive | | | | convey "stories" that large groups of people |
| fallacies of | | | | can subscribe to. But there is more to it, he maintains. |
| our times - the very one that makes storytelling more | | | | The effective leader's life |
| important, perhaps, than it | | | | must be consistent with the story. In other words, the |
| has ever been.Treating Each Other As ObjectsOur | | | | leader must also live the |
| society too often treats objects in the way we should | | | | story.I would put it this way: the leader needs to offer |
| really be treating people. | | | | herself or himself as part of the |
| And we tend to treat people the way we should be | | | | story. People decide to follow us because our story |
| treating objects.We think, for example, of our economy | | | | creates a relationship they can |
| as being based on products and money, | | | | trust and draw hope from. Because they feel an |
| because our society hides the relationships that are | | | | important connection with us.In performing, entering into |
| the basis of any economy. We | | | | a respectful, loving relationship is the key to success. In |
| go to the supermarket and buy the raspberries in their | | | | |
| plastic case and have no real | | | | eliciting stories from others, too, our loving listening |
| awareness of all the people who are part of that | | | | builds the needed relationship. |
| transaction.We're scarcely aware of the stock boy at | | | | In creating stories, the best stories are conceived as |
| the supermarket; we pay passing attention | | | | part of a loving intention |
| to the cashier. But what about the trucker, the grower, | | | | toward imagined or actual listeners.Equally, in |
| the people working for the | | | | spreading the word about storytelling - about our own |
| grower? We have economic relationships with those | | | | services or about |
| people, but those relationships | | | | the art in general - the most powerful and rewarding |
| are disguised. Made invisible.Storytelling is valuable, in | | | | results grow out of carefully |
| large measure, because it can't be done well without | | | | nurtured relationships.In other words, as storytellers, |
| overt | | | | the critical part of our job is not creating, learning, or |
| relationships. It tends to make relationships visible. | | | | performing stories. It's employing storytelling as a |
| That's one of the reasons we | | | | vehicle for - and the result of - |
| love it, and one of the reasons we need it.Stories | | | | respectful relationships.We storytellers ARE in the |
| themselves are certainly crucial to the success of | | | | relationship business. That's the ultimate mark of our |
| storytelling. But they are | | | | success and the most powerful tool that we have. |
| not necessarily in short supply. We have enough | | | | That's what makes our work not |
| stories to keep us busy for a | | | | just enjoyable and useful at the moment, but |
| lifetime, through television, newspapers, books, the | | | | necessary to the future of our society.Doug Lipman is |
| internet, and all the other | | | | the world's premier storytelling coach. He |
| media. In spite of the presence of so many | | | | teaches NASA scientists, corporate executives and |
| destructive stories amidst the growth- | | | | professionals of all kinds how to |
| promoting ones, it's good that we have so many | | | | tell clear and commanding stories that will move and |
| stories available. It's good that we | | | | transform their listeners.Author of the award-winning |
| can email a story to thousands of people at once.But | | | | The Storytelling Coach and other books, |
| when we use those impersonal media, we don't have | | | | Doug publishes a free monthly email newsletter, |
| the sense of hearing the | | | | "eTips from the Storytelling Coach." |
| story from another human who is telling it to us in an | | | | Read more at his web site, which also contains over |
| act of relationship. That | | | | fifty articles on the art, craft, and business of |
| personal relationship is healing in a world where | | | | storytelling. |