| My wife and I are only about six weeks into this | | | | not like my wife has a little grape-sized person in her. |
| pregnancy thing and we're still trying to wrap our | | | | No, right now she has a little pink squishy thing that, |
| heads around this whole idea of having a baby, though | | | | really, looks kinda like a...well....a squished grape.Our |
| we have wildly different thoughts on the subject. I'm | | | | baby is only beginning to grow organs, so it's not like |
| worried about whether or not we'll be able to handle | | | | we have a whole lot in common with our very, very, |
| the financial and moral responsibilities of bringing a child | | | | very little offspring. I mean, I'm a not a very complex |
| into the world. My wife is mostly worried about passing | | | | guy but I still like to relax with a TV remote in one hand |
| something the size of a watermelon through her | | | | and a beer in the other. Right now our baby doesn't |
| hoo-ha.And so far the worry has been all our own. | | | | have hands to hold the remote or even a liver to |
| We haven't told anyone else about our impending | | | | process the beer.This is all still so unreal to us that my |
| baby because, quite frankly, I don't think either of us | | | | wife and I are also still trying to find the best way to |
| fully believes that my wife is actually pregnant.Sure, | | | | even talk about the whole idea of being pregnant. The |
| she's moody all the time and has had an inexplicable | | | | phrase "we're pregnant" makes it sound as though |
| food cravings and she's taken to complaining about | | | | we're some sort of bisexual Siamese twin sharing one |
| how bloated and fat she feels, but really, that's no | | | | body and committing unspeakable acts of fornication |
| different than how she's acted for the for the five | | | | on ourselves. She's the one who's pregnant and I'm the |
| years that I've known her. And I still married her.Right | | | | guy who did it (or so she claims).We've struggled with |
| now our baby is not really a "he" or a "she" as much | | | | ways of referring to the pregnancy situation and so |
| as an "it" in our minds. We've been reading a lot of | | | | far we've used phrases like "knocked up," "expecting," |
| these baby websites and a lot of these sites compare | | | | "got a bun in the oven," "infiltrated," "violated," and even |
| our baby's current size to various pieces of fruit. The | | | | "been slimed." I think we'll have to filter out a few of |
| message eventually changes as the pregnancy | | | | those when it finally comes time to announce the |
| moves forward, so one week the baby site will | | | | news to our families.So that's where we are in this |
| proclaim "Your baby is now the size of a sesame | | | | whole baby-making process. The baby has been |
| seed!" and a week or two later we'll read "Your baby | | | | made, but it's still a pretty gooey, tiny thing that doesn't |
| is now the size of a raisin!"If these baby sites had their | | | | really have much personality and even less mass. I'm |
| way we'd all measure our own size compared to | | | | sure this whole fatherhood thing is going to change my |
| various items from the produce aisle. I'd stand 8.4 | | | | life, but right now I'm just not feeling it.I have, however, |
| carrots tall and when I stepped on the scale it would | | | | sworn off eating grapes. At least until our baby grows |
| read like a slot machine and report my weight as in at | | | | up... to be the size of a lime.Humorist Tom Coffee's |
| 250 pumpkins, two oranges and three cherries.So | | | | website chronicles Tom's adventures as he struggles |
| every day I check these sites and every day I'm | | | | to escape his office job, commit random acts of home |
| reminded that our baby is only the size of a grape. I | | | | improvement, cope with becoming a father for the first |
| don't mind telling you that it's hard to feel very attached | | | | time and quench his never-ending thirst for a great cup |
| to a grape...and it isn't even a fully developed grape. It's | | | | of joe. Life is funny. Have some Coffee... |