| My wife and I are only about six weeks into | | | | grape-sized person in her. No, right now she |
| this pregnancy thing and we're still trying | | | | has a little pink squishy thing that, really, |
| to wrap our heads around this whole idea of | | | | looks kinda like a...well....a squished |
| having a baby, though we have wildly | | | | grape.Our baby is only beginning to grow |
| different thoughts on the subject. I'm | | | | organs, so it's not like we have a whole lot |
| worried about whether or not we'll be able to | | | | in common with our very, very, very little |
| handle the financial and moral | | | | offspring. I mean, I'm a not a very complex |
| responsibilities of bringing a child into the | | | | guy but I still like to relax with a TV |
| world. My wife is mostly worried about | | | | remote in one hand and a beer in the other. |
| passing something the size of a watermelon | | | | Right now our baby doesn't have hands to hold |
| through her hoo-ha.And so far the worry has | | | | the remote or even a liver to process the |
| been all our own. We haven't told anyone | | | | beer.This is all still so unreal to us that |
| else about our impending baby because, quite | | | | my wife and I are also still trying to find |
| frankly, I don't think either of us fully | | | | the best way to even talk about the whole |
| believes that my wife is actually | | | | idea of being pregnant. The phrase "we're |
| pregnant.Sure, she's moody all the time and | | | | pregnant" makes it sound as though we're some |
| has had an inexplicable food cravings and | | | | sort of bisexual Siamese twin sharing one |
| she's taken to complaining about how bloated | | | | body and committing unspeakable acts of |
| and fat she feels, but really, that's no | | | | fornication on ourselves. She's the one |
| different than how she's acted for the for | | | | who's pregnant and I'm the guy who did it (or |
| the five years that I've known her. And I | | | | so she claims).We've struggled with ways of |
| still married her.Right now our baby is not | | | | referring to the pregnancy situation and so |
| really a "he" or a "she" as much as an "it" | | | | far we've used phrases like "knocked up," |
| in our minds. We've been reading a lot of | | | | "expecting," "got a bun in the oven," |
| these baby websites and a lot of these sites | | | | "infiltrated," "violated," and even "been |
| compare our baby's current size to various | | | | slimed." I think we'll have to filter out a |
| pieces of fruit. The message eventually | | | | few of those when it finally comes time to |
| changes as the pregnancy moves forward, so | | | | announce the news to our families.So that's |
| one week the baby site will proclaim "Your | | | | where we are in this whole baby-making |
| baby is now the size of a sesame seed!" and a | | | | process. The baby has been made, but it's |
| week or two later we'll read "Your baby is | | | | still a pretty gooey, tiny thing that doesn't |
| now the size of a raisin!"If these baby sites | | | | really have much personality and even less |
| had their way we'd all measure our own size | | | | mass. I'm sure this whole fatherhood thing |
| compared to various items from the produce | | | | is going to change my life, but right now I'm |
| aisle. I'd stand 8.4 carrots tall and when I | | | | just not feeling it.I have, however, sworn |
| stepped on the scale it would read like a | | | | off eating grapes. At least until our baby |
| slot machine and report my weight as in at | | | | grows up... to be the size of a lime.Humorist |
| 250 pumpkins, two oranges and three | | | | Tom Coffee's website chronicles Tom's |
| cherries.So every day I check these sites and | | | | adventures as he struggles to escape his |
| every day I'm reminded that our baby is only | | | | office job, commit random acts of home |
| the size of a grape. I don't mind telling | | | | improvement, cope with becoming a father for |
| you that it's hard to feel very attached to a | | | | the first time and quench his never-ending |
| grape...and it isn't even a fully developed | | | | thirst for a great cup of joe. Life is funny. |
| grape. It's not like my wife has a little | | | | Have some Coffee... |