| My wife and I are only about six weeks | | | | No, right now she has a little pink |
| into this pregnancy thing and we're | | | | squishy thing that, really, looks kinda |
| still trying to wrap our heads around | | | | like a...well....a squished grape.Our |
| this whole idea of having a baby, though | | | | baby is only beginning to grow organs, |
| we have wildly different thoughts on the | | | | so it's not like we have a whole lot in |
| subject. I'm worried about whether or | | | | common with our very, very, very little |
| not we'll be able to handle the | | | | offspring. I mean, I'm a not a very |
| financial and moral responsibilities of | | | | complex guy but I still like to relax |
| bringing a child into the world. My | | | | with a TV remote in one hand and a beer |
| wife is mostly worried about passing | | | | in the other. Right now our baby |
| something the size of a watermelon | | | | doesn't have hands to hold the remote or |
| through her hoo-ha.And so far the worry | | | | even a liver to process the beer.This is |
| has been all our own. We haven't told | | | | all still so unreal to us that my wife |
| anyone else about our impending baby | | | | and I are also still trying to find the |
| because, quite frankly, I don't think | | | | best way to even talk about the whole |
| either of us fully believes that my wife | | | | idea of being pregnant. The phrase |
| is actually pregnant.Sure, she's moody | | | | "we're pregnant" makes it sound as |
| all the time and has had an inexplicable | | | | though we're some sort of bisexual |
| food cravings and she's taken to | | | | Siamese twin sharing one body and |
| complaining about how bloated and fat | | | | committing unspeakable acts of |
| she feels, but really, that's no | | | | fornication on ourselves. She's the one |
| different than how she's acted for the | | | | who's pregnant and I'm the guy who did |
| for the five years that I've known her. | | | | it (or so she claims).We've struggled |
| And I still married her.Right now our | | | | with ways of referring to the pregnancy |
| baby is not really a "he" or a "she" as | | | | situation and so far we've used phrases |
| much as an "it" in our minds. We've | | | | like "knocked up," "expecting," "got a |
| been reading a lot of these baby | | | | bun in the oven," "infiltrated," |
| websites and a lot of these sites | | | | "violated," and even "been slimed." I |
| compare our baby's current size to | | | | think we'll have to filter out a few of |
| various pieces of fruit. The message | | | | those when it finally comes time to |
| eventually changes as the pregnancy | | | | announce the news to our families.So |
| moves forward, so one week the baby site | | | | that's where we are in this whole |
| will proclaim "Your baby is now the size | | | | baby-making process. The baby has been |
| of a sesame seed!" and a week or two | | | | made, but it's still a pretty gooey, |
| later we'll read "Your baby is now the | | | | tiny thing that doesn't really have much |
| size of a raisin!"If these baby sites | | | | personality and even less mass. I'm |
| had their way we'd all measure our own | | | | sure this whole fatherhood thing is |
| size compared to various items from the | | | | going to change my life, but right now |
| produce aisle. I'd stand 8.4 carrots | | | | I'm just not feeling it.I have, however, |
| tall and when I stepped on the scale it | | | | sworn off eating grapes. At least until |
| would read like a slot machine and | | | | our baby grows up... to be the size of a |
| report my weight as in at 250 pumpkins, | | | | lime.Humorist Tom Coffee's website |
| two oranges and three cherries.So every | | | | chronicles Tom's adventures as he |
| day I check these sites and every day | | | | struggles to escape his office job, |
| I'm reminded that our baby is only the | | | | commit random acts of home improvement, |
| size of a grape. I don't mind telling | | | | cope with becoming a father for the |
| you that it's hard to feel very attached | | | | first time and quench his never-ending |
| to a grape...and it isn't even a fully | | | | thirst for a great cup of joe. Life is |
| developed grape. It's not like my wife | | | | funny. Have some Coffee... |
| has a little grape-sized person in her. | | | | |