| The best predictor of a good divorce outcome | | | | gathered and exchanged all information. If |
| is the degree of client control over the | | | | not, complete the information gathering (see |
| negotiation--everything works much better if | | | | Step 6 of my article "Divorce--Overcoming |
| you have it. This doesn't mean you should not | | | | Obstacles to |
| get help and advice from an attorney if you | | | | |
| want it; it means you are better off if you | | | | Agreement"), then try to agree on what the |
| plan to do most or all of the negotiating | | | | facts are. Write down the facts you agree on |
| yourself. | | | | and list exactly what facts you do not agree |
| | | | on. Note any competing versions then do |
| | | | research to resolve the difference by |
| | | | research and exchanging records. Compromise. |
| Studies indicate that clients feel their | | | | If you can't prove some fact to each other, |
| attorneys don't actually give them much help | | | | you may have a hard time proving it in court. |
| or guidance anyway. In a 1976 Connecticut | | | | |
| study, nearly half of those interviewed | | | | Make a list of the issues and decisions you |
| reported no more than three contacts with | | | | can agree on. Write them down. This is how |
| their attorney, including phone calls, while | | | | you build a foundation for agreement and |
| 60% said they had worked out all issues | | | | begin to clarify the major issues between |
| without attorney help. | | | | you. |
| | | | |
| | | | Next, write down the things you don't agree |
| | | | on. Always keep trying to refine your |
| A New Jersey study in 1984 considered only | | | | differences--to make them more and more clear |
| cases with children where both spouses had | | | | and precise. Try to break differences down |
| attorneys. Fewer than 20% felt their lawyers | | | | into digestible, bite-sized pieces. |
| had played a major role in settlement | | | | |
| negotiations. | | | | 6. Consider the needs and interests of both |
| | | | spouses: Avoid taking a position. Consider |
| | | | your needs, interests and concerns alongside |
| | | | the facts of your situation. Work together on |
| So, you see, you are likely to end up | | | | brainstorming and problem-solving; look for |
| dealing with the negotiation anyway and there | | | | ways to satisfy needs and interests of both |
| is strong evidence that you are far better | | | | spouses and try to balance the sacrifices. |
| off if you do. You get a higher degree of | | | | |
| compliance with terms of agreement, a much | | | | |
| lower chance for future courtroom conflict, | | | | |
| co-parenting is smoother, support payments | | | | 7. State issues in a constructive way: |
| are more likely to be made in full and on | | | | "Reframing" is when you restate things in a |
| time, and you get on with your life more | | | | more neutral way, to encourage communication |
| quickly. | | | | and understanding. |
| | | | |
| | | | |
| | | | |
| Don't expect negotiating with a spouse to be | | | | For example: One spouse says, "I have to |
| easy. There are lots of built-in | | | | keep the house." Reframe: "What I would like |
| difficulties--so many that you may want | | | | most is to keep the house, that's my first |
| professional help from a good mediator. But, | | | | priority, because . . . What the house means |
| okay, so there are problems--that's nothing | | | | to me is . . ." |
| new in the world of divorce. Let's look at | | | | |
| exactly what you can do about it. Here are | | | | |
| ten steps you can take to make your | | | | |
| negotiations work: | | | | 8. Get legal advice: Typically, legal |
| | | | questions come up as you negotiate. Get |
| | | | advice; find out if the laws of your state |
| | | | provide a clear, predictable outcome on your |
| 1. Be businesslike: | | | | particular issue. Don't hesitate to get more |
| | | | than one opinion. |
| Keep business and personal matters separate. | | | | |
| You can talk about personal matters any time, | | | | |
| but never discuss business without an | | | | |
| appointment and an agenda. This is so you can | | | | 9. Be patient and persistent: Don't rush, |
| both be prepared and composed. | | | | don't be in a hurry. Divorces take time and |
| | | | negotiation takes time. |
| Act businesslike: be on time and dress for | | | | |
| business. Don't socialize and don't drink; it | | | | |
| impairs your judgment. | | | | |
| | | | Whenever someone hears a new idea, it takes |
| Be polite and insist on reasonable manners | | | | time to percolate. It takes time for people |
| in return. If things start to sneak into the | | | | to change their minds. It may take time to |
| personal or become unbusinesslike, say you're | | | | shift your mutual orientation from combative |
| going to stop if the meeting doesn't get back | | | | to competitive to cooperative. So don't just |
| on track. Ask to set another date. If matters | | | | do something; stand there! A slow, gradual |
| don't improve, don't argue, don't get mad, | | | | approach takes pressure off and allows |
| just get up and go. | | | | emotions to cool. |
| | | | |
| 2. Meet on neutral ground: Find a neutral | | | | |
| place to meet, not the home or office of | | | | |
| either spouse where there could be too many | | | | 10. Get help: Negotiating with your spouse |
| reminders, memories, personal triggers. Or | | | | may not be easy; you're dealing with old |
| the visiting spouse could feel at some | | | | habits, raw wounds, entrenched personality |
| disadvantage and the home spouse can't get up | | | | patterns--all the obstacles to agreement all |
| and go if things get out of hand. Try a | | | | at once. A third person can really help keep |
| restaurant, the park, borrow a meeting space | | | | things in focus. |
| or rent one if necessary. | | | | |
| | | | |
| | | | |
| | | | Mediators are professionals who are |
| 3. Be prepared: Get control of the facts of | | | | specially trained to help you negotiate; they |
| your own divorce; understand how the laws of | | | | are expert at helping couples get unblocked |
| your state apply to the facts; find out the | | | | and into an agreement. Mediation is very |
| probable outcomes under the law; clarify your | | | | effective and it usually goes quickly. |
| goals. You can also prepare by trying to | | | | |
| understand your respective emotions and past | | | | |
| patterns. Just the fact that you are trying | | | | |
| to do this will help make things a little | | | | Before you begin to negotiate, get a copy of |
| better. | | | | Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce |
| | | | Better (the book from which this article was |
| | | | excerpted) for you and your spouse. Then, if |
| | | | possible, discuss parts of it together. |
| 4. Balance the negotiating power: | | | | |
| | | | |
| | | | |
| | | | There are many good books about negotiation, |
| | | | but one of the best and easiest to read is |
| | | | the little (150-page) Penguin paperback by |
| If you feel insecure, become informed, be | | | | Fisher and Ury, Getting to Yes: Negotiating |
| well prepared, use an agenda, get expert | | | | Agreement Without Giving In, available at |
| advice and guidance. There's never any need | | | | along with other recommended books and |
| to respond on the spot: state your ideas, | | | | software. |
| listen to your spouse, then think about it | | | | |
| until the next meeting. Don't meet if you are | | | | |
| not calm; if the meeting doesn't stay | | | | |
| businesslike, don't continue. If this happens | | | | Copyright 2005 Ed ShermanEd Sherman is a |
| often, consider using a professional | | | | family law attorney, divorce expert, and |
| mediator. | | | | founder of Nolo Press. He started the |
| | | | self-help law movement in 1971 when he |
| If you are the stronger spouse, help build | | | | published the first edition of How to Do Your |
| your spouse's confidence so he or she can | | | | Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal |
| negotiate competently and make sound | | | | industry in 1973. With more than a million |
| decisions. And listen, listen, listen. | | | | books sold, Ed has saved the public billions |
| | | | of dollars in legal fees while making divorce |
| 5. Build agreement: | | | | go more smoothly and easily for millions of |
| | | | readers. You can order his books from or by |
| Start with the facts: You should by now have | | | | calling (800) 464-5502. |