Alternative ways to resolve a conflict


Divorce--Negotiating Agreement: Ten Steps

The best predictor of a good divorce outcomegathered and exchanged all information. If
is the degree of client control over thenot, complete the information gathering (see
negotiation--everything works much better ifStep 6 of my article "Divorce--Overcoming
you have it. This doesn't mean you should notObstacles  to
get help and advice from an attorney if you
want it; it means you are better off if youAgreement"), then try to agree on what the
plan to do most or all of the negotiatingfacts are. Write down the facts you agree on
yourself.and list exactly what facts you do not agree
on. Note any competing versions then do
research to resolve the difference by
research and exchanging records. Compromise.
Studies indicate that clients feel theirIf you can't prove some fact to each other,
attorneys don't actually give them much helpyou may have a hard time proving it in court.
or guidance anyway. In a 1976 Connecticut
study, nearly half of those interviewedMake a list of the issues and decisions you
reported no more than three contacts withcan agree on. Write them down. This is how
their attorney, including phone calls, whileyou build a foundation for agreement and
60% said they had worked out all issuesbegin to clarify the major issues between
without  attorney  help.you.
Next, write down the things you don't agree
on. Always keep trying to refine your
A New Jersey study in 1984 considered onlydifferences--to make them more and more clear
cases with children where both spouses hadand precise. Try to break differences down
attorneys. Fewer than 20% felt their lawyersinto  digestible,  bite-sized  pieces.
had played a major role in settlement
negotiations.6. Consider the needs and interests of both
spouses: Avoid taking a position. Consider
your needs, interests and concerns alongside
the facts of your situation. Work together on
So, you see, you are likely to end upbrainstorming and problem-solving; look for
dealing with the negotiation anyway and thereways to satisfy needs and interests of both
is strong evidence that you are far betterspouses  and  try  to balance the sacrifices.
off if you do. You get a higher degree of
compliance with terms of agreement, a much
lower chance for future courtroom conflict,
co-parenting is smoother, support payments7. State issues in a constructive way:
are more likely to be made in full and on"Reframing" is when you restate things in a
time, and you get on with your life moremore neutral way, to encourage communication
quickly.and  understanding.
Don't expect negotiating with a spouse to beFor example: One spouse says, "I have to
easy. There are lots of built-inkeep the house." Reframe: "What I would like
difficulties--so many that you may wantmost is to keep the house, that's my first
professional help from a good mediator. But,priority, because . . . What the house means
okay, so there are problems--that's nothingto  me  is  .  .  ."
new in the world of divorce. Let's look at
exactly what you can do about it. Here are
ten steps you can take to make your
negotiations  work:8. Get legal advice: Typically, legal
questions come up as you negotiate. Get
advice; find out if the laws of your state
provide a clear, predictable outcome on your
1.  Be  businesslike:particular issue. Don't hesitate to get more
than  one  opinion.
Keep business and personal matters separate.
You can talk about personal matters any time,
but never discuss business without an
appointment and an agenda. This is so you can9. Be patient and persistent: Don't rush,
both  be  prepared  and  composed.don't be in a hurry. Divorces take time and
negotiation  takes  time.
Act businesslike: be on time and dress for
business. Don't socialize and don't drink; it
impairs  your  judgment.
Whenever someone hears a new idea, it takes
Be polite and insist on reasonable mannerstime to percolate. It takes time for people
in return. If things start to sneak into theto change their minds. It may take time to
personal or become unbusinesslike, say you'reshift your mutual orientation from combative
going to stop if the meeting doesn't get backto competitive to cooperative. So don't just
on track. Ask to set another date. If mattersdo something; stand there! A slow, gradual
don't improve, don't argue, don't get mad,approach takes pressure off and allows
just  get  up  and  go.emotions  to  cool.
2. Meet on neutral ground: Find a neutral
place to meet, not the home or office of
either spouse where there could be too many10. Get help: Negotiating with your spouse
reminders, memories, personal triggers. Ormay not be easy; you're dealing with old
the visiting spouse could feel at somehabits, raw wounds, entrenched personality
disadvantage and the home spouse can't get uppatterns--all the obstacles to agreement all
and go if things get out of hand. Try aat once. A third person can really help keep
restaurant, the park, borrow a meeting spacethings  in  focus.
or  rent  one  if  necessary.
Mediators are professionals who are
3. Be prepared: Get control of the facts ofspecially trained to help you negotiate; they
your own divorce; understand how the laws ofare expert at helping couples get unblocked
your state apply to the facts; find out theand into an agreement. Mediation is very
probable outcomes under the law; clarify youreffective  and  it  usually  goes  quickly.
goals. You can also prepare by trying to
understand your respective emotions and past
patterns. Just the fact that you are trying
to do this will help make things a littleBefore you begin to negotiate, get a copy of
better.Divorce Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce
Better (the book from which this article was
excerpted) for you and your spouse. Then, if
possible,  discuss  parts  of  it  together.
4.  Balance  the  negotiating  power:
There are many good books about negotiation,
but one of the best and easiest to read is
the little (150-page) Penguin paperback by
If you feel insecure, become informed, beFisher and Ury, Getting to Yes: Negotiating
well prepared, use an agenda, get expertAgreement Without Giving In, available at
advice and guidance. There's never any needalong with other recommended books and
to respond on the spot: state your ideas,software.
listen to your spouse, then think about it
until the next meeting. Don't meet if you are
not calm; if the meeting doesn't stay
businesslike, don't continue. If this happensCopyright 2005 Ed ShermanEd Sherman is a
often, consider using a professionalfamily law attorney, divorce expert, and
mediator.founder of Nolo Press. He started the
self-help law movement in 1971 when he
If you are the stronger spouse, help buildpublished the first edition of How to Do Your
your spouse's confidence so he or she canOwn Divorce, and founded the paralegal
negotiate competently and make soundindustry in 1973. With more than a million
decisions.  And  listen,  listen,  listen.books sold, Ed has saved the public billions
of dollars in legal fees while making divorce
5.  Build  agreement:go more smoothly and easily for millions of
readers. You can order his books from or by
Start with the facts: You should by now havecalling (800) 464-5502.



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