| The best predictor of a good divorce outcome is the | | | | complete the information gathering (see Step 6 of my |
| degree of client control over the | | | | article "Divorce--Overcoming Obstacles to |
| negotiation--everything works much better if you have | | | | Agreement"), then try to agree on what the facts are. |
| it. This doesn't mean you should not get help and | | | | Write down the facts you agree on and list exactly |
| advice from an attorney if you want it; it means you | | | | what facts you do not agree on. Note any competing |
| are better off if you plan to do most or all of the | | | | versions then do research to resolve the difference by |
| negotiating yourself. | | | | research and exchanging records. Compromise. If you |
| | | | can't prove some fact to each other, you may have a |
| Studies indicate that clients feel their attorneys don't | | | | hard time proving it in court. |
| actually give them much help or guidance anyway. In a | | | | Make a list of the issues and decisions you can agree |
| 1976 Connecticut study, nearly half of those | | | | on. Write them down. This is how you build a |
| interviewed reported no more than three contacts with | | | | foundation for agreement and begin to clarify the |
| their attorney, including phone calls, while 60% said they | | | | major issues between you. |
| had worked out all issues without attorney help. | | | | Next, write down the things you don't agree on. |
| | | | Always keep trying to refine your differences--to |
| A New Jersey study in 1984 considered only cases | | | | make them more and more clear and precise. Try to |
| with children where both spouses had attorneys. | | | | break differences down into digestible, bite-sized |
| Fewer than 20% felt their lawyers had played a major | | | | pieces. |
| role in settlement negotiations. | | | | 6. Consider the needs and interests of both spouses: |
| | | | Avoid taking a position. Consider your needs, interests |
| So, you see, you are likely to end up dealing with the | | | | and concerns alongside the facts of your situation. |
| negotiation anyway and there is strong evidence that | | | | Work together on brainstorming and problem-solving; |
| you are far better off if you do. You get a higher | | | | look for ways to satisfy needs and interests of both |
| degree of compliance with terms of agreement, a | | | | spouses and try to balance the sacrifices. |
| much lower chance for future courtroom conflict, | | | | |
| co-parenting is smoother, support payments are more | | | | 7. State issues in a constructive way: "Reframing" is |
| likely to be made in full and on time, and you get on | | | | when you restate things in a more neutral way, to |
| with your life more quickly. | | | | encourage communication and understanding. |
| | | | |
| Don't expect negotiating with a spouse to be easy. | | | | For example: One spouse says, "I have to keep the |
| There are lots of built-in difficulties--so many that you | | | | house." Reframe: "What I would like most is to keep |
| may want professional help from a good mediator. But, | | | | the house, that's my first priority, because . . . What the |
| okay, so there are problems--that's nothing new in the | | | | house means to me is . . ." |
| world of divorce. Let's look at exactly what you can | | | | |
| do about it. Here are ten steps you can take to make | | | | 8. Get legal advice: Typically, legal questions come up |
| your negotiations work: | | | | as you negotiate. Get advice; find out if the laws of |
| | | | your state provide a clear, predictable outcome on |
| 1. Be businesslike: | | | | your particular issue. Don't hesitate to get more than |
| Keep business and personal matters separate. You | | | | one opinion. |
| can talk about personal matters any time, but never | | | | |
| discuss business without an appointment and an | | | | 9. Be patient and persistent: Don't rush, don't be in a |
| agenda. This is so you can both be prepared and | | | | hurry. Divorces take time and negotiation takes time. |
| composed. | | | | |
| Act businesslike: be on time and dress for business. | | | | Whenever someone hears a new idea, it takes time |
| Don't socialize and don't drink; it impairs your judgment. | | | | to percolate. It takes time for people to change their |
| Be polite and insist on reasonable manners in return. If | | | | minds. It may take time to shift your mutual orientation |
| things start to sneak into the personal or become | | | | from combative to competitive to cooperative. So |
| unbusinesslike, say you're going to stop if the meeting | | | | don't just do something; stand there! A slow, gradual |
| doesn't get back on track. Ask to set another date. If | | | | approach takes pressure off and allows emotions to |
| matters don't improve, don't argue, don't get mad, just | | | | cool. |
| get up and go. | | | | |
| 2. Meet on neutral ground: Find a neutral place to | | | | 10. Get help: Negotiating with your spouse may not be |
| meet, not the home or office of either spouse where | | | | easy; you're dealing with old habits, raw wounds, |
| there could be too many reminders, memories, | | | | entrenched personality patterns--all the obstacles to |
| personal triggers. Or the visiting spouse could feel at | | | | agreement all at once. A third person can really help |
| some disadvantage and the home spouse can't get up | | | | keep things in focus. |
| and go if things get out of hand. Try a restaurant, the | | | | |
| park, borrow a meeting space or rent one if | | | | Mediators are professionals who are specially trained |
| necessary. | | | | to help you negotiate; they are expert at helping |
| | | | couples get unblocked and into an agreement. |
| 3. Be prepared: Get control of the facts of your own | | | | Mediation is very effective and it usually goes quickly. |
| divorce; understand how the laws of your state apply | | | | |
| to the facts; find out the probable outcomes under the | | | | Before you begin to negotiate, get a copy of Divorce |
| law; clarify your goals. You can also prepare by trying | | | | Solutions: How to Make Any Divorce Better (the book |
| to understand your respective emotions and past | | | | from which this article was excerpted) for you and |
| patterns. Just the fact that you are trying to do this will | | | | your spouse. Then, if possible, discuss parts of it |
| help make things a little better. | | | | together. |
| | | | |
| 4. Balance the negotiating power: | | | | There are many good books about negotiation, but |
| | | | one of the best and easiest to read is the little |
| | | | (150-page) Penguin paperback by Fisher and Ury, |
| If you feel insecure, become informed, be well | | | | Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving |
| prepared, use an agenda, get expert advice and | | | | In, available at along with other recommended books |
| guidance. There's never any need to respond on the | | | | and software. |
| spot: state your ideas, listen to your spouse, then think | | | | |
| about it until the next meeting. Don't meet if you are | | | | Copyright 2005 Ed ShermanEd Sherman is a family |
| not calm; if the meeting doesn't stay businesslike, don't | | | | law attorney, divorce expert, and founder of Nolo |
| continue. If this happens often, consider using a | | | | Press. He started the self-help law movement in 1971 |
| professional mediator. | | | | when he published the first edition of How to Do Your |
| If you are the stronger spouse, help build your | | | | Own Divorce, and founded the paralegal industry in |
| spouse's confidence so he or she can negotiate | | | | 1973. With more than a million books sold, Ed has |
| competently and make sound decisions. And listen, | | | | saved the public billions of dollars in legal fees while |
| listen, listen. | | | | making divorce go more smoothly and easily for |
| 5. Build agreement: | | | | millions of readers. You can order his books from or |
| Start with the facts: You should by now have | | | | by calling (800) 464-5502. |
| gathered and exchanged all information. If not, | | | | |