| The best predictor of a good divorce | | | | information. If not, complete the |
| outcome is the degree of client control | | | | information gathering (see Step 6 of my |
| over the negotiation--everything works | | | | article "Divorce--Overcoming Obstacles |
| much better if you have it. This doesn't | | | | to |
| mean you should not get help and advice | | | | Agreement"), then try to agree on what |
| from an attorney if you want it; it | | | | the facts are. Write down the facts you |
| means you are better off if you plan to | | | | agree on and list exactly what facts you |
| do most or all of the negotiating | | | | do not agree on. Note any competing |
| yourself. | | | | versions then do research to resolve the |
| | | | difference by research and exchanging |
| Studies indicate that clients feel | | | | records. Compromise. If you can't prove |
| their attorneys don't actually give them | | | | some fact to each other, you may have a |
| much help or guidance anyway. In a 1976 | | | | hard time proving it in court. |
| Connecticut study, nearly half of those | | | | Make a list of the issues and decisions |
| interviewed reported no more than three | | | | you can agree on. Write them down. This |
| contacts with their attorney, including | | | | is how you build a foundation for |
| phone calls, while 60% said they had | | | | agreement and begin to clarify the major |
| worked out all issues without attorney | | | | issues between you. |
| help. | | | | Next, write down the things you don't |
| | | | agree on. Always keep trying to refine |
| A New Jersey study in 1984 considered | | | | your differences--to make them more and |
| only cases with children where both | | | | more clear and precise. Try to break |
| spouses had attorneys. Fewer than 20% | | | | differences down into digestible, |
| felt their lawyers had played a major | | | | bite-sized pieces. |
| role in settlement negotiations. | | | | 6. Consider the needs and interests of |
| | | | both spouses: Avoid taking a position. |
| So, you see, you are likely to end up | | | | Consider your needs, interests and |
| dealing with the negotiation anyway and | | | | concerns alongside the facts of your |
| there is strong evidence that you are | | | | situation. Work together on |
| far better off if you do. You get a | | | | brainstorming and problem-solving; look |
| higher degree of compliance with terms | | | | for ways to satisfy needs and interests |
| of agreement, a much lower chance for | | | | of both spouses and try to balance the |
| future courtroom conflict, co-parenting | | | | sacrifices. |
| is smoother, support payments are more | | | | |
| likely to be made in full and on time, | | | | 7. State issues in a constructive way: |
| and you get on with your life more | | | | "Reframing" is when you restate things |
| quickly. | | | | in a more neutral way, to encourage |
| | | | communication and understanding. |
| Don't expect negotiating with a spouse | | | | |
| to be easy. There are lots of built-in | | | | For example: One spouse says, "I have |
| difficulties--so many that you may want | | | | to keep the house." Reframe: "What I |
| professional help from a good mediator. | | | | would like most is to keep the house, |
| But, okay, so there are problems--that's | | | | that's my first priority, because . . . |
| nothing new in the world of divorce. | | | | What the house means to me is . . ." |
| Let's look at exactly what you can do | | | | |
| about it. Here are ten steps you can | | | | 8. Get legal advice: Typically, legal |
| take to make your negotiations work: | | | | questions come up as you negotiate. Get |
| | | | advice; find out if the laws of your |
| 1. Be businesslike: | | | | state provide a clear, predictable |
| Keep business and personal matters | | | | outcome on your particular issue. Don't |
| separate. You can talk about personal | | | | hesitate to get more than one opinion. |
| matters any time, but never discuss | | | | |
| business without an appointment and an | | | | 9. Be patient and persistent: Don't |
| agenda. This is so you can both be | | | | rush, don't be in a hurry. Divorces take |
| prepared and composed. | | | | time and negotiation takes time. |
| Act businesslike: be on time and dress | | | | |
| for business. Don't socialize and don't | | | | Whenever someone hears a new idea, it |
| drink; it impairs your judgment. | | | | takes time to percolate. It takes time |
| Be polite and insist on reasonable | | | | for people to change their minds. It may |
| manners in return. If things start to | | | | take time to shift your mutual |
| sneak into the personal or become | | | | orientation from combative to |
| unbusinesslike, say you're going to stop | | | | competitive to cooperative. So don't |
| if the meeting doesn't get back on | | | | just do something; stand there! A slow, |
| track. Ask to set another date. If | | | | gradual approach takes pressure off and |
| matters don't improve, don't argue, | | | | allows emotions to cool. |
| don't get mad, just get up and go. | | | | |
| 2. Meet on neutral ground: Find a | | | | 10. Get help: Negotiating with your |
| neutral place to meet, not the home or | | | | spouse may not be easy; you're dealing |
| office of either spouse where there | | | | with old habits, raw wounds, entrenched |
| could be too many reminders, memories, | | | | personality patterns--all the obstacles |
| personal triggers. Or the visiting | | | | to agreement all at once. A third person |
| spouse could feel at some disadvantage | | | | can really help keep things in focus. |
| and the home spouse can't get up and go | | | | |
| if things get out of hand. Try a | | | | Mediators are professionals who are |
| restaurant, the park, borrow a meeting | | | | specially trained to help you negotiate; |
| space or rent one if necessary. | | | | they are expert at helping couples get |
| | | | unblocked and into an agreement. |
| 3. Be prepared: Get control of the | | | | Mediation is very effective and it |
| facts of your own divorce; understand | | | | usually goes quickly. |
| how the laws of your state apply to the | | | | |
| facts; find out the probable outcomes | | | | Before you begin to negotiate, get a |
| under the law; clarify your goals. You | | | | copy of Divorce Solutions: How to Make |
| can also prepare by trying to understand | | | | Any Divorce Better (the book from which |
| your respective emotions and past | | | | this article was excerpted) for you and |
| patterns. Just the fact that you are | | | | your spouse. Then, if possible, discuss |
| trying to do this will help make things | | | | parts of it together. |
| a little better. | | | | |
| | | | There are many good books about |
| 4. Balance the negotiating power: | | | | negotiation, but one of the best and |
| | | | easiest to read is the little (150-page) |
| | | | Penguin paperback by Fisher and Ury, |
| If you feel insecure, become informed, | | | | Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement |
| be well prepared, use an agenda, get | | | | Without Giving In, available at along |
| expert advice and guidance. There's | | | | with other recommended books and |
| never any need to respond on the spot: | | | | software. |
| state your ideas, listen to your spouse, | | | | |
| then think about it until the next | | | | Copyright 2005 Ed ShermanEd Sherman is |
| meeting. Don't meet if you are not calm; | | | | a family law attorney, divorce expert, |
| if the meeting doesn't stay | | | | and founder of Nolo Press. He started |
| businesslike, don't continue. If this | | | | the self-help law movement in 1971 when |
| happens often, consider using a | | | | he published the first edition of How to |
| professional mediator. | | | | Do Your Own Divorce, and founded the |
| If you are the stronger spouse, help | | | | paralegal industry in 1973. With more |
| build your spouse's confidence so he or | | | | than a million books sold, Ed has saved |
| she can negotiate competently and make | | | | the public billions of dollars in legal |
| sound decisions. And listen, listen, | | | | fees while making divorce go more |
| listen. | | | | smoothly and easily for millions of |
| 5. Build agreement: | | | | readers. You can order his books from |
| Start with the facts: You should by now | | | | or by calling (800) 464-5502. |
| have gathered and exchanged all | | | | |