| Conflict before, during and after a divorce is inevitable. | | | | higher rate of compliance with those agreements than |
| Yet, if the conflict continues, you'll never reach an | | | | when a Judge makes an order. Agreements made in |
| agreement. Over 95% of all divorce cases ultimately | | | | mediation are both less expensive and more |
| settle, so you'll deal with the conflict sooner or later. It's | | | | comprehensive than court orders, and they're more |
| helpful if you can learn to deal with conflict in a way | | | | likely to be followed as well. |
| that won't make you crazy, and can help you learn to | | | | Taking Responsibility for Your Role in Conflict |
| get along with your ex-spouse enough so that you can | | | | When you're in conflict, it's tempting to think that the |
| work out your settlement, share your children, and deal | | | | other person is completely at fault, and that you are |
| with the everyday problems that willarise in the | | | | totally blameless. Yet who among us is a complete |
| meantime and afterwards. | | | | angel, 100% of the time? Resolving conflict is not about |
| The first step in understanding how to deal with conflict | | | | figuring out who is right or assigning blame to the guilty |
| is to realize that in order to resolve conflict, you'll have | | | | party. Resolving conflict is about moving forward and |
| to understand the other side's interests. They may | | | | learning a new way to deal with each other in the |
| have a POSITION, such as "I want the children on | | | | future. |
| Wednesday nights" or "I want to keep the house" but | | | | Part of your ability to move on depends on your ability |
| until you understand WHY they want that you'll | | | | to recognize that it takes two to fight. When you |
| continue to have a conflict. | | | | understand your role in the conflict, you can start to |
| For example, perhaps the reason the parent wants | | | | avoid the old behaviors that got you into the |
| the children on Wednesday nights is that he or she | | | | arguments of the past. |
| wants to be involved doing the children's homework. | | | | As a family law mediators, often the first agreement |
| Maybe Wednesday night is not convenient for your or | | | | we help couples to reach is that the old way is not |
| the children, but maybe there is another way that the | | | | working, and that they'll need to try a new way of |
| parent can continue to be involved in helping with | | | | communicating and dealing with each other in the |
| homework. For the spouse who wants to keep the | | | | future. But change is not easy, and doing things a |
| house, maybe all he or she really wants is a secure | | | | different way feels risky sometimes. People are |
| place to live, or to be able to stay in the same school | | | | naturally resistant to change. Yet, if you want to stay |
| system. It isn't as much about "Wednesday night" or | | | | out of conflict in the future, it's important to identify |
| "the house" as it is about other, underlying issues. | | | | those behaviors in yourself that contributed to the |
| To find out the other side's interests, don't get misled | | | | conflicts ofthe past. |
| by the position they're telling you (Wednesday night, or | | | | Think about your past conflictsor current conflictsand |
| keep the house). Ask questions instead: | | | | ask yourself: |
| Help me understand why that is important to you. | | | | What did I do to contribute to making this conflict |
| Why do you want that? | | | | happen? |
| What are you concerned about? | | | | How could I have handled this situation better? |
| What are your goals for the future? | | | | Have I suffered because of my own actions? |
| What could I do to make my proposal acceptable to | | | | Have others suffered? Have my children suffered |
| you? | | | | because of my actions? |
| If you could have what you're asking, what would that | | | | What is the most important lesson I've learned from |
| accomplish for you? | | | | this conflict? |
| What's the real problem? | | | | Is there a way this conflict could improve my life? |
| What would be wrong with.? | | | | What's humorous about my role in this conflict? |
| Why not do it the way I've suggested? | | | | What would it take for me to let go of this conflict |
| Listen, listen, listen to the responses, and then ask more | | | | completely? |
| questions. Repeat what the person has said to make | | | | What would happen if I did let go of it completely? |
| sure you understand. They are giving you | | | | Has the way I've communicated help the other person |
| informationclues as to how to resolve your conflict. | | | | to understand? |
| You don't have to agree with what they say, and you | | | | What could I do to improve the way I communicate? |
| don't have to give in to their demands. You're not being | | | | What skills could I develop in handling conflict? |
| "nice", you're being strategic. | | | | What skills could I develop in responding to the other |
| Remember, to have an agreement, both sides must | | | | person's negative behavior? |
| agree. You won't agree if your needs aren't met, and | | | | You cannot control other people. Ex-spouses are |
| they won't agree if their needs aren't met. | | | | particularly difficult to control!You can only control |
| Understanding their needs is the first step to resolving | | | | yourself, and how you deal with your ex-spouse or |
| the conflict, and working toward an agreement. When | | | | others with whom you have conflict. You alone have |
| you ask questions to find out what the other person's | | | | the ability to control how you react to disagreements, |
| interests are, rather than focus on their position, you | | | | and how you'll react better next time. |
| begin to reduce conflict. | | | | We'd all like other people to read the questions above |
| Many people are choosing to resolve their divorces as | | | | and to have them respond. It's more difficult to do it |
| well as their post-divorce issues with the help of a | | | | yourself, and to take responsibility for your part in an |
| Family Law Mediator. Most courts have mediators | | | | unpleasant situation. You are the key person in |
| available free of charge. You can also get a referral to | | | | changing your relationship with your ex spouse, and |
| a private mediator through the Association for Conflict | | | | how you deal with the inevitable disagreements |
| Resolution (ACR), at | | | | between the two of you. When you change your own |
| Mediation is a great way to work through your | | | | behavior, you also change the reaction that you get |
| differences, and is typically much less expensive than | | | | from your ex spouse, and that's the first step to |
| court. When people have input into resolving their | | | | learning to dealwith conflict differently. |
| problems, and come to an agreement, there's a much | | | | |