| Conflict before, during and after a divorce | | | | comprehensive than court orders, and they're |
| is inevitable. Yet, if the conflict | | | | more likely to be followed as well. |
| continues, you'll never reach an agreement. | | | | |
| Over 95% of all divorce cases ultimately | | | | Taking Responsibility for Your Role in |
| settle, so you'll deal with the conflict | | | | Conflict |
| sooner or later. It's helpful if you can | | | | |
| learn to deal with conflict in a way that | | | | When you're in conflict, it's tempting to |
| won't make you crazy, and can help you learn | | | | think that the other person is completely at |
| to get along with your ex-spouse enough so | | | | fault, and that you are totally blameless. |
| that you can work out your settlement, share | | | | Yet who among us is a complete angel, 100% of |
| your children, and deal with the everyday | | | | the time? Resolving conflict is not about |
| problems that willarise in the meantime and | | | | figuring out who is right or assigning blame |
| afterwards. | | | | to the guilty party. Resolving conflict is |
| | | | about moving forward and learning a new way |
| The first step in understanding how to deal | | | | to deal with each other in the future. |
| with conflict is to realize that in order to | | | | |
| resolve conflict, you'll have to understand | | | | Part of your ability to move on depends on |
| the other side's interests. They may have a | | | | your ability to recognize that it takes two |
| POSITION, such as "I want the children on | | | | to fight. When you understand your role in |
| Wednesday nights" or "I want to keep the | | | | the conflict, you can start to avoid the old |
| house" but until you understand WHY they want | | | | behaviors that got you into the arguments of |
| that you'll continue to have a conflict. | | | | the past. |
| | | | |
| For example, perhaps the reason the parent | | | | As a family law mediators, often the first |
| wants the children on Wednesday nights is | | | | agreement we help couples to reach is that |
| that he or she wants to be involved doing the | | | | the old way is not working, and that they'll |
| children's homework. Maybe Wednesday night is | | | | need to try a new way of communicating and |
| not convenient for your or the children, but | | | | dealing with each other in the future. But |
| maybe there is another way that the parent | | | | change is not easy, and doing things a |
| can continue to be involved in helping with | | | | different way feels risky sometimes. People |
| homework. For the spouse who wants to keep | | | | are naturally resistant to change. Yet, if |
| the house, maybe all he or she really wants | | | | you want to stay out of conflict in the |
| is a secure place to live, or to be able to | | | | future, it's important to identify those |
| stay in the same school system. It isn't as | | | | behaviors in yourself that contributed to the |
| much about "Wednesday night" or "the house" | | | | conflicts ofthe past. |
| as it is about other, underlying issues. | | | | |
| | | | Think about your past conflictsor current |
| To find out the other side's interests, don't | | | | conflictsand ask yourself: |
| get misled by the position they're telling | | | | |
| you (Wednesday night, or keep the house). Ask | | | | What did I do to contribute to making this |
| questions instead: | | | | conflict happen? |
| | | | |
| Help me understand why that is important to | | | | How could I have handled this situation |
| you. | | | | better? |
| | | | |
| Why do you want that? | | | | Have I suffered because of my own actions? |
| | | | |
| What are you concerned about? | | | | Have others suffered? Have my children |
| | | | suffered because of my actions? |
| What are your goals for the future? | | | | |
| | | | What is the most important lesson I've |
| What could I do to make my proposal | | | | learned from this conflict? |
| acceptable to you? | | | | |
| | | | Is there a way this conflict could improve my |
| If you could have what you're asking, what | | | | life? |
| would that accomplish for you? | | | | |
| | | | What's humorous about my role in this |
| What's the real problem? | | | | conflict? |
| | | | |
| What would be wrong with.? | | | | What would it take for me to let go of this |
| | | | conflict completely? |
| Why not do it the way I've suggested? | | | | |
| | | | What would happen if I did let go of it |
| Listen, listen, listen to the responses, and | | | | completely? |
| then ask more questions. Repeat what the | | | | |
| person has said to make sure you understand. | | | | Has the way I've communicated help the other |
| They are giving you informationclues as to | | | | person to understand? |
| how to resolve your conflict. You don't have | | | | |
| to agree with what they say, and you don't | | | | What could I do to improve the way I |
| have to give in to their demands. You're not | | | | communicate? |
| being "nice", you're being strategic. | | | | |
| | | | What skills could I develop in handling |
| Remember, to have an agreement, both sides | | | | conflict? |
| must agree. You won't agree if your needs | | | | |
| aren't met, and they won't agree if their | | | | What skills could I develop in responding to |
| needs aren't met. Understanding their needs | | | | the other person's negative behavior? |
| is the first step to resolving the conflict, | | | | |
| and working toward an agreement. When you ask | | | | You cannot control other people. Ex-spouses |
| questions to find out what the other person's | | | | are particularly difficult to control!You can |
| interests are, rather than focus on their | | | | only control yourself, and how you deal with |
| position, you begin to reduce conflict. | | | | your ex-spouse or others with whom you have |
| | | | conflict. You alone have the ability to |
| Many people are choosing to resolve their | | | | control how you react to disagreements, and |
| divorces as well as their post-divorce issues | | | | how you'll react better next time. |
| with the help of a Family Law Mediator. Most | | | | |
| courts have mediators available free of | | | | We'd all like other people to read the |
| charge. You can also get a referral to a | | | | questions above and to have them respond. |
| private mediator through the Association for | | | | It's more difficult to do it yourself, and to |
| Conflict Resolution (ACR), at | | | | take responsibility for your part in an |
| | | | unpleasant situation. You are the key person |
| Mediation is a great way to work through your | | | | in changing your relationship with your ex |
| differences, and is typically much less | | | | spouse, and how you deal with the inevitable |
| expensive than court. When people have input | | | | disagreements between the two of you. When |
| into resolving their problems, and come to an | | | | you change your own behavior, you also change |
| agreement, there's a much higher rate of | | | | the reaction that you get from your ex |
| compliance with those agreements than when a | | | | spouse, and that's the first step to learning |
| Judge makes an order. Agreements made in | | | | to dealwith conflict differently. |
| mediation are both less expensive and more | | | | |